E is for Egregious Harm
E is for Egregious Harm
Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is E and E is for Egregious Harm. Egregious means outstandingly bad and/or shocking.
This may seem a strange topic for me to pick, but in the last few weeks the press has been filled with stories about sexual harassment, sexual touching without consent. Most of the recent stories come from television and film industry and politics. But many industries (like banking for example) are rife with scandals around sexual harassment and also sexual favours in order to get better jobs or bonuses.
This week I want to first look a bit at what happens when someone is violated or touched without consent and then look at why we, as a society, seem to have so much trouble getting rid of this problem.
Part of the issue is that defining violation and/or sexual harassment is subjective. Many times, harassment comes in the form of innuendo and pressure to do something. The issue as to whether consent has been granted then becomes the focal point. When the pressure to have sex with a boss is that a job will be lost or a promotion will not be forthcoming, many people go ahead and accept the sexual contact. The issue is then more complicated as the consent is given grudgingly but it is still given.
Of course, when we look at consent, we have to look at whether a person is able to give or deny consent freely. If you believe you will lose a job if you don’t consent, you are not free to choose. Woman’s Watch highlights the definition of sexual harassment that is commonly accepted speaks of unwelcome behaviour and clearly highlights that a person may engage in the behaviour and accept the advances even though they really don’t want to because they fear losing a job or other negative consequences. As a result, they are not truly consenting.
In the film industry, the point has been made that lip service is paid to anti-discrimination policies and people say that if you bring a case you may win some money but you will never work again.
What impact does being violated have on the person? Impacts vary depending upon the type of violation: Was it a rape? Did someone grope you? Impacts vary depending upon the number of violations. Finally impacts vary depending upon the person being violated: Some people are very resilient and it has little effect and others are not so resilient and it has devastating effect.
People who have been violated sexually report lower self-esteem, higher incidents of depression, higher levels of anxiety, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, sleep problems, neck pain, problems with relationships and a loss of enjoyment in their sexual relationships. There is even research that sexual harassment will increase blood pressure. There was even a study done in Canada that found that women who had experienced repeated incidents of sexual harassment reported higher levels of suicidal thoughts. The impact is egregious and lasting.
We are aware of the damage sexual harassment and sexual violation does and have been so for a long time. Much effort and money has been expended to create anti-sexual harassment policies in many industries, to provide sensitivity training to workers in many industries to lower the incidence of sexual harassment. And yet, people don’t appear to take the steps necessary to get rid of the perpetrators despite the damage they do.
The Harvey Weinstein scandal spot lighted:
How many women accept pay offs following harassment incidents and
don’t go public about the predators. This casts some doubt on the
motivation around coming forward now. Is it possible that they are
wanting an additional pay out? Publicity? Attention? Are they feeling
guilty at not protecting others?
How many people in the industry knew about his excesses and his bad
behaviour and did nothing. Are they afraid for their positions or do they
simply consider this as a part of their industry.
It wasn’t just the men who were quiet or were condoning, it was the women as well. People appear to take the view that they must look after themselves but that there is no obligation to look after anyone else.
Is it possible that for some people, this type of harassment doesn’t have much of a negative impact? They just write off the sex and the crude flirting as a cost of doing business and don’t think about it again. Is this any different than what young women who marry very rich much older men do? They aren’t attracted to these guys but they know in order to get to live the lifestyle they want, sex with these men is the price. Do we have a right to tell people that they cannot make this type of trade?
Where is the line between truly consensual use of sex and innuendo in the workplace in order to advance and harassment. And further where is the line for assault? There are many people who would argue that there is no way to have the sex be truly consensual because there is a power imbalance in the relationship.
Harassment like rape is not about sex. It is about power. The person wielding the power uses sex as a means to put down the other, to humiliate them, to control them. Writer and feminist activist, Beatrix Campbell says ‘There’s a knowledge of and tolerance of sexual harassment that makes women’s journeys through public space always a little bit hazardous… The other structural conversation to have about this apart from power is shame. I think the politics of humiliation, which is at the centre of all of this, has been erased from the discourse. It can’t be underestimated because you were in that room, he did put his hands on your body. Even if you escaped, the point is that you were there.’
People have asked the question how these women ended up in a hotel room with Harvey Weinstein as though that were a reflection on them. Notwithstanding the fact that it is not unusual to have meetings in hotel rooms in the TV and film industries, the fact is that the person who is being harassed is usually a person of low power in the organisation. They are not in the position to choose the meeting place for an interview or an audition.
Discerning the difference between normal sexual behaviour (appropriate flirting for example) and harassment is often seen as difficulty. However, knowing the law can help. In UK law, there are two types of sexual harassment: Quid pro quo which is offering preferential treatment in exchange for sexual favours and hostile work environment which is when because of sexual harassment a person feels unsafe or it prevents them from accepting opportunities.
If someone makes a sexual joke in your hearing at the office and you are offended by this, it may be sexual harassment but it may not. Did it affect your ability to do your work or create a hostile work environment? If not, it may be unpleasant but it isn’t harassment. If someone grabs you and kisses you and you didn’t ask them to, that is pretty straight forward. If your boss lets you know that your promotion is dependent upon your prowess in bed, that is also pretty straight forward.
If we want this harassment culture to change, we will have to change the way we view women in general. Advertising consistently proves that sex sells. Women are often told that their looks are paramount and encouraged to use their looks. Men are encouraged to look at a woman’s body and looks first and any talents second. As long as we perpetuate this view of women, as long as we don’t respect a woman’s talents, it will be hard to decrease and then end harassment.
Girls are still being told by their mothers that they should use what ‘God gave them’. They are still taught to tease in order to ‘catch’ a man. As long as we teach girls and women that their bodies are a commodity, sexual harassment will continue.
We also need to teach girls and boys that their body is theirs and that they can set boundaries. We need to teach them what boundaries are and how to say no in a clear way that no one will misunderstand. We need to teach them about sexual harassment and sexual assault.
If we want the culture that enables predators to thrive to end, we need to have a rational understanding of sexual harassment and assault with clear definitions. We all need to take responsibility for setting boundaries. We must have zero tolerance for predatory behaviour.
Why do I say predatory behaviour instead of predators? It is infinitely easier to identify predatory behaviour. Identifying predators can be difficult particularly when they are charming and in positions of power. Predatory behaviour, once defined, is simpler to identify.
Common predatory behaviour includes:
Ignoring personal space boundaries
Standing too close, touching you as they brush past you – by accident of course, finding reasons to have physical contact or to stand too close.
There are cultural differences and individual differences when it comes
to personal space boundaries. To avoid violating personal space
boundaries in the work place, find out what the workplace norms are.
Making inappropriate comments as ‘jokes’.
These comments often focus on how someone looks and can be sexual
in nature. They may be purely innuendo or they may be graphic. This is
hardest to manage in industries that see looks and sexiness as central to
the products they provide. For example, modelling or film.
Trying to gain sexual or personal favours in exchange for a promotion, work
related perks or gains or stating that a job depends upon the favours
Pressuring behaviour – for attention, for perks, for personal favours or
Intimate favours.
Demeaning speech: Anything that implies a person did not earn their
job, anything that implies someone is not of value for their work,
is only of value because of looks or sexuality.
We can prevent a culture of sexual harassment and assault from continuing. We just have to agree that it is a priority and that the harm created is egregious.
Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week.
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