L is for Lust
L is for Lust
Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is L and L is for Lust.
Lust is defined as strong sexual desire. We often speak of it as a strong craving – sexual desire that can border on obsession. Lust of that intensity creates an attachment to the person lusted after. There is a lot of reference to lust in religion – as to why lust is damaging. In religion, passion and lust are separated. Passion being seen as acceptable and lust being seen as damaging.
In the Buddhist tradition, lust is damaging as it is seen as the passionate desire and attachment to things, people, situations and it is this attachment that causes suffering.
In Christianity, the translation of the New Testament into English from the Greek has led to the term desire being translated into lust which is linked to sexual desire. While this make sense when one looks at Matthew 5:27-28 Ye have heard it said by many time thou shalt not commit adultery: but I say unto you whoever shall look on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery already in his heart. It doesn’t when looking at other parts of the translation.
Often people are told they do not know the difference between lust and love. When people fall ‘in love’ some therapists believe that this is actually just lust in action. Lust comes an intensity that can make it hard to distinguish between physical desire and emotional intimacy. I am not saying that lust isn’t a part of being in love and also a part of long term love. Sexual passion is an amazing part of an intimate relationship. However, confusing love for lust can lead us to making really bad relationship choices. Lust can overwhelm logical thinking. Safe sex conversations go out the window as you give into your impulses putting you both at risk (as well as any other partners you might have). Do you know if they are married? In a monogamous relationship? You would be surprised how many people forget this conversation too when intense lust takes control.
Again, I don’t want to put you off riding this incredible wave of sexual desire. I simply want to highlight the need to separate that physical passion from emotional intimacy.
Instant attraction, intense lust, is a great ego boost but if it dies down quickly it can leave you questioning whether any of it was real. It leaves you questioning yourself and your value. And you can end up questioning the other person’s value too.
Lust can drive us to do things we might otherwise not consider. Our limits and boundaries fly out the window when the chemical and hormonal cocktail takes over. Sometimes this leads to phenomenal peak sexual experiences. Other times it can leave us feeling awful. We have to be careful to own our part in these experiences. Making a bad decision does not mean that we were coerced by the other person. It may well mean that we were coerced by our own bodies into acting on an impulse. We have to be willing to look clearly at the experience and then forgive ourselves and our bodies and move on.
Many of us fall prey to lust because of a fear of missing out. The dreaded FOMO. This comes from a scarcity mind set. There is an abundance of experiences and an abundance of desirable partners out there. You have time to take a breath and think things through before acting on your lust.
Of course you are always free to choose to act on your lust. If you are like me and are a believer in synchronicity, then acting on an intense connection may be important to you. Synchronicity is defined as :
the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (such as similar thoughts in widely separated persons or a mental image of an unexpected event before it happens) that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality —used especially in the psychology of C. G. Jung
It was a term coined by Carl Jung who was a Swiss psychiatrist who lived from 1875 to 1961. His particular version of psychoanalysis includes an understanding of spiritual and psychic events.
I would act on intuition and on synchronicity. I also risk assess any given situation which means that I wouldn’t simply act without gathering some information no matter how intense the lust anymore. When I was much younger, I found it hard step back from intense lust. I learned how to do so over the years and as a result, I make far fewer bad decisions. For me a bad decision is pursuing a relationship that brings drama with it or one that doesn’t bring joy to myself and the other person. Being able to step back from intense emotion is a skill that can be learned and is a valuable skill to have as an adult.
Serena met Jenny at a networking event. She noticed her from across a crowded room. She laughed to herself and though that it was such a cliché. She wondered if they would tell ‘how we met stories’ years from now and laugh about this. Serena and Jenny walked through the crowd until they met in the middle. They barely said hello before Serena took Jenny’s hand and led her out of the crowded bar, to the lift and then up to her room. They barely made it into the door before they were kissing passionately. Neither even tried to stop as they moved deeper into the room and towards the bed. They each stripped clothing from the other without breaking the kiss. The night was a whirlwind of passion. They talked little. They slept little. They explored each other and the heat grew higher and higher until they ignited and then the fire burned all night long. The next morning, Jenny left early for a meeting, leaving a note with her details next to the bed. Serena phoned the following week and they met for dinner at a local restaurant. The heat and the energy were still there. It took effort to have a conversation and to eat the meal. They couldn’t wait to leave the restaurant and go back to Jenny’s room. The night was a repeat of their first encounter.
This is what lust looks like for many people. The intensity of the attraction, the desire overwhelming – makes it hard to think about anything other than sexual touch. The intensity outweighs everything. People decide that long standing values don’t matter (because they disagree and they don’t want anything to get in the way of the relationship). They are suddenly willing to pursue a relationship that goes against all the things they previously described as deal breakers. They ignore the rest of the world, their responsibilities and everyone else they love in favour of this connection. Lust is driven by pheromones. It is driven by the chemicals and hormones we release: Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin and Endorphins. Lust can become a part of love and it can exist on it’s own. It can masquerade for love and when you wake up from the dream, you might discover you’ve nothing in common with the other person – no place to connect other than physically.
Should we avoid lust? If we see lust as creating attachments that ultimately will cause misery or as a means to move away from our core values, yes. If, however, lust is seen as a means to a peak experience – and we make conscious choices and accept the consequences – perhaps not. The key here is engaging with lust consciously. Consciously means examining the possibilities – positive, neutral and negative, considering them in more than just a brief moment. And then accepting the consequences of our choices be they positive, neutral or negative or all three. This means not blaming others for our feelings, our choices, the outcomes. This is harder than it may seem. It means being able to look at your own actions, feelings, choices clearly without pulling away or dismissing the things that make you uncomfortable. Sitting with the uncomfortable, difficult parts of yourself, thoughts and feelings is not easy and it is of great worth. Some of our greatest learning and achievements come from confronting the most difficult parts of ourselves and our choices.
Today I talked about lust, intense sexual desire, making conscious choices, taking responsibility for consequences and being able to sit with and face the uncomfortable and difficult parts of ourselves. If any of this triggered you or if you have a question or a comment, write to me at drloribeth@atozofsex.com.
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