Reboot: Z is for Zipless
Please enjoy again:
Z is for Zipless Fuck
Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is Z and Z is for Zipless Fuck…
A zipless fuck is sex with no strings. For many people this means anonymous sex but for others it simply means casual sex.
Erica Jong, author of Fear of Flying coined this term in 1973. She said ‘The zipless fuck is absolutely pure. It’s free of ulterior motives. There is no power game. The man is not ‘taking’ and the woman is not ‘giving’. No one is attempting to cuckhold a husband or humiliate a wife. No one is trying to prove anything or get anything out of anyone. The zipless fuck is the purest thing there is. And it is rare than a unicorn. I have never had one. It is called zipless because when you came together, zippers fell away like rose petals, underwear blew off in one breath like dandelion fluff. For the true ultimate zipless A-1 fuck, it was necessary that you never got to know the man very well.’
A zipless fuck should provide pure pleasure and energise as a result. Erica Jong felt that to achieve this, the parties could not know each other because in knowing each other different agendas would come into play. Recently, Ms Jong said that she felt it was impossible to find a zipless fuck and that in fact she felt the best sex was with people that you know.
In a zipless fuck, you are free to project anything onto your partner. You can make him or her into the ideal in every way. If the sex is truly fantastic, this can become your unattainable ideal for the future. Everyone you meet is compared to this mysterious lover with whom you had an amazing sexual encounter. Everyone is compared to this unattainable ideal. This can overshadow perfectly delicious experiences with people you know or are getting to know well. If the zipless fuck does overshadow, you have missed the point.
The point of the experience is that it be liberating. Once liberated, there is no need to repeat the experience every week or every month. Once you have had a transformational experience, you move on to new levels of learning. Of course, this is only true if you see the zipless fuck as an opportunity for learning and for ‘pure’ experience. You may view it as simply the opportunity for some great no strings sex.
Casual sex has changed quite a lot since Ms Jong wrote about zipless fucks in 1973. In the 80’s, the discovery of AIDS gave pause to many who engaged in casual sex. The idea of simply meeting without words, engaging in hot and heavy sex and then parting with not a comment being made began to disappear. Conversations about safe sex were necessary before sex could begin. At least that was the case for people who wanted to avoid STI’s.
Friends with benefits became a more popular choice than one night stands. Though knowing someone in other contexts doesn’t necessarily translate to knowing whether they indulge in safe or unsafe sexual behaviour. In the UK, diagnoses for sexually transmitted infections rose in 2012 by 5%. This despite lots of public education as to the risks of unprotected sex.
Aaron discovered a love for sex with men through a zipless fuck. Aaron is 33 single and had identified as heterosexual. He works in banking which brings a high salary but long hours and little time for maintaining relationships. He has had a couple long term relationships that ended as a result of his career. Aaron isn’t ready to settle down and describes himself as having a healthy sexual appetite. Aaron has always been curious about sex with men. He has fantasised about men since he was in his teens. He never found himself in the situation to test out his attractions and is clear that he doesn’t want to debate sexual orientation.
Aaron signed on to Grindr and created a profile as a bisexual man. After a week, he matched with Jeff. Jeff was Aaron’s physical opposite. Short and blond with blue eyes. Muscular like a lifter. Aaron sent Jeff a message and they arranged a meet. The attraction was immediate and strong. They spent the night enacting all of Aaron’s fantasies. He left the next morning with a new understanding of his own desires.
What is the attraction of seeking that anonymous, ‘pure’ sexual experience? For many, the primary attraction is the opportunity to focus on their own pleasure and nothing else. Not knowing their partner means not worrying about what the person thinks or feels or even if the person gains satisfaction from the experience. It is a place where you can experiment without being concerned about judgement. It is an opportunity to explore without having to discuss the implications the next day.
In relationships, changing up how you have sex and when you have sex can have long lasting implications. Lots of conversation and negotiation may be necessary if you are introducing any type of sexual activity that is outside of the norm. But in a zipless encounter, there is only negotiation on the day and no worries about the next day or the one after that.
Hook ups are the current version of zipless fucks and are greatly aided by apps made specifically for the purpose. Grindr is the most popular for gay and bisexual men. Pure for heterosexuals. Whiplr for kinky sex. HER for lesbian and bisexual women. Tindr, OKCupid are still used this way but also for finding more lasting relationships. Once prides itself on using human matchmakers to send your one person per day. I suspect they are looking at relationship building rather than hook-ups though.
I apologise for repeating myself – but safe sex is essential in any kind of casual hook-up. Before you head out, don’t forget to protect yourself by being risk aware.
Having sex with a stranger is a high-risk activity. Know this when you decide to engage.
To lower your risks:
Make sure that a family member or friend knows where you will be and when you are expected home.
Take a note from the BDSM players book and set up a safe call:
A safe call is where you have a friend or family member telephone you at a certain time to ensure you are safe. You pick a phrase that means you are fine and one that means you are not so that when you answer the phone, you can easily let the friend know without letting the person you are with know what you are saying.
Practice safe sex. Bring condoms, dental dams, gloves. And bring extra – you might want to have sex a few times!
Even though rough in the alley sex may have an extra kick, to lower risk choose to rent the hotel or motel room so that people are more likely to notice if something is wrong.
Penny is an attractive brunette in her 50’s. She’s a CEO of a small company and her work takes up a large portion of her life. Most of the men Penny meets through work are not men she feels safe dating or starting sexual relationships with. She has been attracted to people who have worked for her and didn’t pursue the relationships because of a fear of her pursuit being seen as harassment. Attraction to a competitor raises other issues. Penny has always believed it was a bad idea to have a relationship in the work place.
Penny decided to rely on a matchmaking service to meet someone for a long-term relationship. While she was awaiting her ‘perfect man’, she looked for places to enjoy sexual encounters. One of Penny’s friends told her about a private party where people could hook-up and enjoy without strings. Penny attended her first party with her friend since there is nothing worse than walking into that type of environment alone and nervous.
There were about 50 people at the party. Penny noticed a tall man with steel grey curly hair within the first 30 minutes. When he finally came and said hello, she was mesmerised by his hazel eyes. They spoke for a few minutes and headed off to a private play space. Penny enjoyed the sex immensely. After an hour, she met her friend back at the bar. After a couple of drinks and some comparing of notes, Penny spotted an olive skinned man with a thick matt of salt and pepper fur on his chest. She excused herself and went to meet this bear of a man. She ended the night in his arms.
Penny attended parties for a year before the matchmaker helped her to find her perfect match for a long-term relationship. For her, zipless fucks helped to meet her needs without demanding too much time or any commitment.
A few people have written in recently with questions. Owen asked if not telling a partner about a one night stand is really infidelity. In my opinion, infidelity involves deception and the breaking of agreements. Deception can be out and out lying or it can be omission. Owen if your agreement with your partner is that you are monogamous then a one night stand is infidelity. It is against your agreement and you are hiding it.
There are people who agree to a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ rule. Usually there are parameters like: It’s only OK when you are away from home. Or you cannot give out contact details. In these situations, a one night stand may not be seen as infidelity. This is because there is the agreement that some non-monogamy is acceptable.
Rachel wrote in to ask about finding safe partners for casual sex. There is no guarantee of ‘safe’. But there are more safe and less safe ways of engaging in casual sex. More safe: Meet in person first instead of on line. Take the time to size the person up when you have met them. Any uncomfortable feeling and you should abandon the encounter. Make sure to use condoms, gloves and dental dams for all sexual encounters.
If you want to engage in kinky sex, BDSM or power exchange to be safer take time to get to know someone before engaging. Get references if you can or better yet, watch the person in a public setting – notice how they treat people (including restaurant staff, service personnel). Make your assessment after observing for a while. Make sure to trust your gut.
Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of SexÒ.
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If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Why not join me for my free teleseminar on 11 October https:/the-intimacy-coach.com/3-steps/ to learn my 3 steps to Sexual Satisfaction. See you next week when we will start the 3rd series of the A to Z of SexÒ Podcast with the letter A and is for Aphrodisiac.
